Trials of Experience
by graceandpipp
Summary: HP/RL Harry and Remus are alone at #12 for a while after the DOM incident and they find they have more in common then they thought. And revelations are made. Warning OOTP Spoilers. "ABANDONED" but up for adoption.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own anything all the characters belong to J

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything all the characters belong to J.K.R.

**Summary:** HP/RL Harry and Remus are alone at #12 for a while after the DOM incident and they find they have more in common then they thought. And revelations are made. Warning OOTP Spoilers.

At #12 

"No!"

Harry woke up in a sweat after another dream about the DOM incident that happened a month ago. He had been at #12 for about a week now but he had been having the same dream of Sirius falling threw the veil and then coming back through the veil he would look at Harry with hollow dead eyes and blame him for not saving him or for not working harder at occumley and falling into Voldemorts trap. Harry had been having that dream every night since the incident and the more Harry saw the dream the more he believed it was his fault. He lay in bed sweating trying to catch his breath he knew no one had heard him because he had acquired a privacy disc before coming to #12 He decided to go visit Sirius room like he often did to grieve and punish himself after all he deserved the pain he had killed Sirius and Cedric and his parents he was a murderer. He never encountered anyone there so he went because it was the one place he could let himself go.

Remus lay in his bed not sleeping but not because of a nightmare but because he was remembering the nights he and Sirius had spent in it after Remus found out he was innocent. It was while he was thinking over these things and remembering that he heard Harry's nightmare. Remus had discovered Harry's privacy disc the day after Harry had come to stay with him at #12. Remus had gotten rid of it so he could wake Harry from these dreams and offer any support that Harry would take of course Harry did not know the Remus had destroyed the disc because Remus had always left before Harry was fully awake. Even though the main reason he had destroyed the disc was to wake Harry from these dreams another reason he did it was because he was hoping Harry would talk to him, Harry had become so withdrawn into himself pushing away everyone even his friends it just was not healthy. Remus knew Harry blamed himself for padfoots death no matter how many times someone told him else wise Remus had not confronted Harry about his dreams when he woke and went to Sirius room because he knew that this was the only time that Harry let himself grieve and cry over Sirius when he knew no one else was around to see him. Remus was cautious to approach Harry because Remus was afraid that if he did then Harry would stop going to Sirius room. But tonight was different during the past few days Harry had been getting worse instead of withdrawing into himself he had thrown himself into any work he could get his hands on and Remus had a feeling that Harry had started harming himself. So Remus got up put on a robe and started walking to Sirius room knowing Harry would be there. Tonight he was going to confront Harry about his dreams and about his suspions. As Remus got to Sirius room he could hear Harry inside crying he slowly creaked open the door and froze at what he saw.

A/N: Please review and let me know what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything all the characters belong to J.K.R.

After Harry had regained his breath he grabbed Sirius knife from his trunk and made his way to Sirius room he had decided that tonight was going to be the last night that he suffered from these dreams he was going to end it all. He got to Sirius room and closed the door and sat right in the center holding a picture of Sirius in one hand and Sirius knife in his other. As Harry started to cry he said to the picture

"I love you Sirius I'll be seeing you soon"

And with that said Harry took the knife and dug it into his wrist and then switched hands and was about to plunge it deep into the other hand when the door creaked open and there stood Remus.

The sight that met Remus was of Harry sitting on the floor with blood pouring from one of his wrists with a picture of Sirius and Sirius' knife in his hands.

Remus rushed forward took the knife from Harry's hand and cast some high level healing spells that being a werewolf he knew. They would not heal the wounds completely because they were self-inflicted but they would heal them enough that it would stop most of the bleeding. By this time Harry had passed out from the blood loss so Remus cleaned up the blood placed Harry on the bed placed the picture beside him and drew up a chair to wait.

Harry slowly woke up noticing he was in Sirius room not remembering how he got there. He noticed a pain at his wrists so he looked down and noticed the partially healed wounds and everything came back to him he remembered his dream about Sirius, coming into Sirius's room, and slashing his wrists.

"Shit" he swore "why am I still alive" then he remembered. He got up and off the bed in the hopes that he could get back to his room without alerting Remus that he was up. But then he noticed that Remus was in the room with him and he swore again and ran out of the room to his room locking the door behind him. Remus rushed after him and asked Harry to open his door but he refused. Remus sighed and said

"Harry you need to open the door"

"No" Harry said

Remus sighed again and pointed his wand at the door and said

"Alohmora" (sp?)

He entered the room and saw Harry facing away from the door.

"We need to talk Harry" Remus said

"No we don't" said Harry

"Yes we do" Remus said

"There is nothing to talk about" Harry said

"Harry I need to know why you did that"

"Why I did that!" Harry yells and turns around and as Remus saw his face he saw that Harry's eyes were filled with tears that he refused to let fall in front of him. "Why I did that" Harry repeated quietly. "I did it because I deserve the pain I can't handle everything anymore."

"Why did you not come talk to me I could have helped you" Remus said

"It's all my fault Harry continued as if he had not heard Remus which he probably had not because his eyes were unfocused as if looking at something that Remus could not see.

"What is your fault Harry" Remus asked though he had a pretty good idea what.

"It's my fault Sirius died and Cedric and my mom and dad" Harry said and then he fainted.

Please Review


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own anything all the characters belong to J

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything all the characters belong to J.K.R.

Harry woke up and looked around his room saw Remus and sighed. He turned to him and said

"Cant you just leave me alone and let me die."

"No" Remus said "I can not I love you Harry" Remus trailed off as Harry's eyes filled with pain and he looked away.

"What's wrong" Remus asked

"Nothing" Harry said still not looking at him

Remus decided to drop it for now "I know about your dreams Harry" Remus said

Harry looked up surprised "How do you know about them?"

"I found your privacy disc."

"_Great" Harry thought "now he is going to hate me even more" _

"I don't hate you Harry" Remus said as if reading his thoughts. "I am worried about you these dreams are obviously causing you pain if you tried to kill yourself."

Harry cut him off there saying "I don't want to talk about what happened, okay?"

"Harry we need to talk about what happened" Remus said

Harry backed up onto the bed a bit, shaking his head. "No, I'm not talking about that."

"Please Harry" Remus said "Please talk to me" "You need to stop hurting yourself it is dangerous"

He merely shook his head again. "I _**can't**_talk about it" "Please don't make me Harry pleaded.

Remus looked concerned. "Why not?" "Can you at least tell me why you won't talk to me?"

"I can't tell you one of the reasons I tried to kill myself because I'm afraid you will hate me."

"Harry" Remus said "I promise you that no matter what you say I could never hate you"

Harry looked straight at Remus and whispered "I-I love you Remus I mean I really love you and I just could not live with myself any longer knowing that I had caused you so much pain"

Remus stared at Harry shocked for a minute and then said….

TBC

Please Review and let me know what you think so far.


	4. Chapter 4

I know it's been a very long while since I have lasted updated and I am sorry to say that I have completely lost my inspiration for this story. When I had first started it I had several chapters planned but I seemed to have misplaced them somewhere and my inspiration since then for this story has left me. So I am putting it up for adoption. If you want to continue it I only ask that you let me know in a review so I can read it when it is up and posted. Once again I'm really sorry.

Forever sorry

graceandpip


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